Black women, I so love us and the binds that tie us together.

Hung out with sister friends last night and we talked about everything from religion to personal stuff I can't even put in this blog...lol.  The point is, we bond like no other group of women I know.

I thank God for the divas in my life....

I woke up and wished him a happy birthday..... 6/11/35-12/23/05

Then I managed to keep myself busy enough not to loose my mind, so did everyone else in the family.

Remember that old saying....everything that feels good to you, isn't always good for you?   Can someone please tell me who the author is?  My granny use to always quote this one, but would always tell me to quit being a "smart ass" when I asked her who actually said it.  I wasn't actually being a smart ass....I really wanted to know.

Easter...wow.  I was reading over my journal for the last year, guess reflecting trying to keep my mind occupied, and it's  a brand new feeling this year from the last Easter.

I barely wanted to get out of the bed.  This was the first major holiday of the year that was celebrated by our family.  But this year it was totally different from all the rest, I didn't have my Daddy to even talk to and I was a long way from home......So when they say 'I still have my moments", I can say "I still have my long ass moments" because I had one today. 

I never expected a day like today, but I know tomorrow has got to get better.

There is no place like home! There is no place like home! There is no place like home!.......I opened my eyes and damned if I wasn't still in Jacksonville.  It worked for Dorothy why can't it work for me....errghhhh!!!!  Maybe if I get a dog named Toto and some shinniny red shoes it will help.

Man how I am begining to hate this city more and more.  It seems like something happens everyday to make me just want to run for my birthplace, and that's bad considering home is in Detroit.

I've thought about maybe moving back to Virginia, that was a nice place, Virgina Beach to be exact...we spent almost 4 years there when we were in the military.  It's right in between my hometown and my husband's.  I talked to him about it tonight and he seemed open to the idea and it doesn't snow there much, so it would  be ideal. 

I am going to look into the job market there, see if my company has an office there.  I heard they have a nice poetry scene there too, plus I still have some friends there that I coud hook up with.  In fact, maybe I can take a trip up there this year.  I truly need a vacation.

I need some positive changes.  I've taken a seat from performing poetry for a lil bit (that's what I'm thinking), just writing right now.  Not sure where I'm at with the whole "spoken word" thing, don't have a love for it at the moment.  People have been telling me we all go through it, but it seems to be different for me this time.  I took a seat before for a different reason.  But I won't dwell on it, whatever happens, happens.  If I get back up there I do, if I don't, I don't.  Everything comes in due time.

Someone made a comment during a conversation today about me....lol, they always doing that, but I sat back and analyze it...been doing a lot of that.  Why is it when something major happens in your life you go through crap like this?  Things that make you go...hmmmmmm.  Went off track (ADD quicking in and I know someone in particular has stop reading this by now...lol TS). 

They said I "withhold information when it comes to how I'm really doing", my response was  basically "aint that calling the pot calling the kettle black" because of something they did, which I thought was majoroly (I know probably not a word, but poets can do that...lol) jacked up.  Then I got to thinking I probably do it a lot, but SO WHAT!!!!, why should I reveal all my dayum cards so you can do one of four things *judge me, *analyze me, *try to fix me or *ignore me, instead of just being there for me when I need you.

Tilll next time....

Poetry has been my escape and my love.  I've accomplished so many things, but my heart still feels empty.  I don't know what went wrong with my mind today, but I was talking to my mother and I think I suffered temporary insanity because I almost asked her where my Dad was.  I caught myself in mid sentence, but I think she knew what I was in the process of asking her because she went totally silent.  I freaked out because I don't  want to remind her or make her think I'm crazy.

I love my Dad with all my heart, but I know he's gone and I've grieved.  I have my moments, but I've handled it somewhat.  So why did my mind go south on me like that?  That was scary, so much so that I got up and went in a conference room at work and took a deep breath.

Maybe it's all the medication I've been on.  I took a trip to the emergency room the other night because I've had a tension headache since Saturday and I had to have injections to get rid of it.  Normally that would get rid of it, but it hasn't gone anywhere.  I really don't know what the hell is going on.  I'm begining to think my family needs to increase the insurance policy because I'm going to join Elizabeth like Fred Sandford.

Maybe I just need a vacation, take a few days with just me to relax and enjoy me, myself and I.  I've finished the cd, my feature is coming up on 21st so maybe after that I will take that time and go somewhere and just chill.

Inside The Reign.......

Was released on March 7, 2006 and it feels good to finally have finished the project.  I count it as a great achievement in my life.  I can remember standing on a stage being scared to death thinking I was going to have a seizure, praying I would make it through my piece and hoping I wouldn't cry.

Now look at me...It's like giving birth.  Thanks to Tonya, my husband and the producer, Sam, for pushing me and having faith in me.  It's a beautiful thing I tell you.

Holla at me if you want a copy....$10 if you're in Jax, if you're not $10.00 plus S & H.

Hey,

It's been awhile....lol.  I must admit I have two journals, so it's getting harder to post in both.  My other journal is on myspace.com (http://blog.myspace.com/poets_rain).  Sometimes I post the same things, sometimes not. 

I was sitting here thinking, while listening to Goapele (she is hot), about life and lovel.  She sings this line....I was wating for this magical moment that would prove to me that forever would be fine......... and another.......Making peace with loving you, peace within me, getting pieces of us...i'm claiming them all

I wonder am I still awaiting that magical moment...lol.  Have I made peace with loving you?  These are some heavy questions...lol, but ones I should have the damn answers to by now.  I do, the song just makes me think about love....

Can someone have a "First Love" twice?  more than one soulmate?  Can one mistake, one wrong decision, cost you a love of a lifetime? 

We often make decisions that we instantly regret when it comes to love and life and for some reason can never regroup from them.  We never look at both sides of the decision before hand, but the thing is if we did no one would make mistakes and we all would be perfect?   Who is ready to say they are perfect?

I've always enjoyed Nietzsche and I'm currently reading some of his works.

Nietzche writes.....There are no facts, only interpretations. (Nachlass).   I so love this particular line because there are no truer words than I've read.

I'm also quite fond of what he writes in the Viking Portable:

What then is truth? A mobile army of metaphors, metonyms, and anthropomorphisms -- in short, a sum of human relations, which have been enhanced, transposed, and embellished poetically and rhetorically, and which after long use seem firm, canonical, and obligatory to a people: truths are illusions about which one has forgotten that is what they are; metaphors which are worn out and without sensuous power; coins which have lost their pictures and now matter only as metal, no longer as coins.
We still do not know where the urge for truth comes from; for as yet we have heard only of the obligation imposed by society that it should exist: to be truthful means using the customary metaphors - in moral terms, the obligation to lie according to fixed convention, to lie herd-like in a style obligatory for all... 'On truth and lie in an extra-moral sense.

Everybody has there own definition of what the truth is and what a lie is.  What I might consider a lie, might not be a lie to someone else.  It truly amazes me what we go through to "keep it real" , not get it "twisted", be "fake" or some other modern day version of plain ole "bullshit".  Who really dabbles in the truth all the damn time?

I've made a commitment to myself this year to just "make it plain" and not hold back my comments....yeah, some of my friends don't think I hold back as it is.  But I do sometimes and I'm not always as blunt as I can be....lol

I'm going to continue on with my reading.

I thought this to be interesting....This is my chinese zodiac...yeah I can't sleep, so what....shoot me.

The ROOSTER … THE RESILIENT ROOSTER

Jaunty Rooster Mine,

Uncommonly resilient, you were born to bounce back. Even though your whole life is a roller-coaster ride, a crazy quilt of successes and setbacks, high times and low, trials, tribulations and other emotionally exhausting or gut-wrenching experiences, you remain an irrepressibly staunch and plucky spirit. No matter the degree of despair, you simply pick yourself up again. You emit enthusiasm rays. Your joy in experiencing new kicks is contagious. People clamor to hang out with you, to go to your places, see your sights, share your thrilling way of life. You will frequently occupy positions of authority. You are naturally bossy and excel at setting a good example. You work very hard.

Despite a sometimes cocky attitude and a tendency to be conceited, you cannot be accused of being either pushy or pedantic. You are a multi-talented, open-minded yet conservative person. In love, you flip for elegance and class. Try courting a glamorous Snake. Or take up with an encouraging Dog. Better still, for the sake of challenge, let yourself be seduced by a fiery Dragon. All of the above are able to ease the strain of your exhaustively busy life. Listen to this and heed my advice; you are too frank for your own good. Take pains to be less candid. Your blatancy can do you in. Blow your own horn if you will but try not to blow the whistle on yourself in the bargain. Remember, a Rooster in hot water is nothing more than chicken soup.

Buoyantly yours,

Suzanne White, Tarot.com/Astrology

I've been actually reading some emails lately.  It's amazing what happens when you do that...lol.  This is a message I received today, and it's funny because of the source I received it from:

I am sending this to you to see how many actually read their email. Your response will be interesting. Pay attention to what you read . After you have finished reading it, you will know the reason it was sent to you.

 Here goes:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you  with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a God send and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do  something to bring the relationship to an end.

 Sometimes they die.

 Sometimes they walk away.

 Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it, it is real.

But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other

relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

I opened my email up to a message that read like this, which by the way I found to be comical:

Venus and Mars are dancing together in a harmonious "trine" aspect. As these two celestial lovers embrace, they stimulate romantic impulses ... making it easier to get swept off your feet. But since both planets are in Earth signs this time around – Venus in Capricorn and Mars in Taurus – your feet are likely to stay firmly planted on the ground...where you can use practical wisdom to navigate or evaluate your love life.

What do you need to be happy in a relationship? Is a current love interest likely to meet those needs?

WHO THE HELL COMES UP WITH THIS SHYT?

My daughter attends DCPS and for the last three weeks has done so under duress.  Yesterday, she was attacked by three students and was suspended because she fought back.  What the hell was she supposed to do, simply lie down and die?

The school and the district simply said the school has rules, and because she was involved in the fight, she has to suffer some consequences.  I wonder what they would have said to me had my daughter lost her life?  The consequences for not fighting back would have been her life. These children don't just fight; they carry guns and knives to school these days. This was a premeditated attack...they waited until there was no resource officer (police) at the school and no teacher was in the immediate vicinity and attacked her like vicious animals.

I went back and forth with the school for three weeks while my daughter's life was turned upside down to avoid conflict with these children (if you want to call them that because I'm really being nice calling them that). We went as far as to change her classes so she wouldn't be in the same class with them....Did that do any good?  Nope, because guess what.... they came in to her class when it was changed and harassed her.  Where the hell was the teacher?  If he was around or in the class, what kind of control does he have...absolutely none.  If he wasn't....why the hell not?

The principal told me that my daughter saw this coming and should have told an adult.  Question, when is a 14 year old able to judge another person's mentality and then determine what their intentions are?  or When does a 14 year old become a therapist and able to judge the mindset of another?  She was threatened everyday for almost three weeks, why would she think this day would be different from any other day?  I'm certainly not trying to say my child is an angel because she isn't; however, she doesn't lie in wait and attack people. 

These children called my home for three days straight after the death of my father and threatned my child...can you imagine the stress this placed on my child and me?  I brought this to the schools attention, the resource officer was aware of this and I even escorted my child to school the next morning because of the threats.  What am I supposed to do sit in school with her every damn day because the school can't provide a safe environment for my child, let alone one where she can learn in?

It took three girls....three to try to take her down.  What kind of shyt is that?  They bad as hell aint they?  Not really just goes to show you what kind of cowards they are that it took three of them to try and get her.

The principal also stated my daughter had an opportunity to talk to someone about this; however, I felt this was just a #$@!^ joke.  What the hell did she think we had been doing?  I’ve been leaving my job, coming to the school when my daughter called me when something happened involving these children and we would talk to the school together.  My daughter felt like the school offered her no protection or safety, which is evident as you can see from what took place yesterday morning.

There are still so many questions that plaque me about the situation.  An inside source (and not a student, an adult) indicated there was no adult in the vicinity when my daughter was attacked.  However, the principal, Ms. Kriznar insists there was.  If there was, how could three, not one, but three students attack my child.  They all didn’t attack her at once, one child attacked her, then the other two proceeded to attack her.  If there was a teacher in the immediate vicinity they were either moving pretty damn slow or they pretty damn dumb not to realize what was going on.

Ms. Dana Kriznar is the principal at Kirby-Smith Middle School in Jacksonville, FL who is employed by the Duval County School Board, along with Ms. Sherry Pritchard and Dr. Levi McIntosh of District I.  I spoke with Ms. Pritchard yesterday after the events took place and it was clear to me that she already had her mind made up that the decision Ms. Kriznar had made was what she was going to stand by.

I was supposed to be consoled by the fact that the children who attacked her would be sent to an alternative school.  However, the principal and other school officials led me to believe that once they went to the school they could not return to the Magnet program.  They also told my daughter's grandmother this.  This was a flat out lie.  Ms. Pritchard at the School Board advised me that they would go to the alternative school for 45 days and then would be return to Kirby-Smith, she then began to tell me that there would only be 20 school days left.  Is she fucking stupid?  It only takes a second to possibly wound or kill my child.  What the hell is wrong with these people.

These !@#$% kids need to be locked up.  This isn't fun and games, they are playing with someone's life.

If you live in Duval County and considering sending your child to a Magnet School, I truly don't recommend Kirby-Smith Middle. Your child may not be safe.  I've tried to get the statistical data on the violence in the school and have only gotten the run around, which only leads me to believe they don't want me to know.  The school is located on the East side of Jacksonville and the crime rate in that particular area is not good.

I am currently looking into some legal advice because I truly don't think the school provided a safe enviroment for my child.  I hope and pray no other parent will have to go through this.

You ever did something you knew you would wake up in the morning and regret, but you did it anyway? Not sure if it's rebellion, frustration or you just saying the hell with it....I'm just doing it because it feels good at the moment.  Have you been there?

Hell...I've been there so many times lately that I can't count. 

I've got this attitude now that I think says simply "I'm tired, I'm simply tired of being used or mistreated and life is just to damn short".  I think some people take my kindness for weakness and I'm simply not going to take it anymore.

I tell myself in a stern voice (lol) am I supposed to wait for folks to realize that I am not going to be around forever for them to just handle any kind of way?  Granted, I don't let a lot of people do me this way, but some people I let get away with shyt, some even murder because I care to much about them.  Others I let them get away with nothing.  Why is that?  Because I have a soft spot for these folks, well it's time to get rough and tough, minus the afro puffs of course.

Well that's enough for now....off to the cheerleading banquets....The end of my stint with them...no more cheer, 2005 was the last year.....I'm giving my energy to other causes that appreciate it more and I won't get sucked dry to the bone.

This blog stems from a conversation I had with a good friend tonight:

Do I support black owned business?  Certainly....however, I refused to support them simply because they are black owned.  I've heard this discussed countless number of times.  This is what I've heard: "We as a people don't support each other in business or we don't patronize black owned business enough."  Well there might be a reason why we don't patronize some of them, ever thought of that?

Don't get it twisted, I am truly in love with my people and am willing to go out of my way to support them.  Ask any of my friends, I'm big on supporting, sometimes a lil to much.  However, some things are not worth supporting a second time around. 

Let's take some of our black owned restaurants for example, I've visited some before and received, what I considered sub-standard or down right bad service, only to be given attitude when I bring it to the waiter's attention and then management or the owner's attention.  They look at me like I have no right to complain about the horrendous service I received. 

Am I suppose to pay good money that I worked hard for to receive this type of service?  I can get bad attitude and bad service for free, why should I have to pay for it? 

If I was at another establishment (I'm not saying they don't have issue too) or one of the restaurant chains (not fast food), would I have to pay for bad service?  I don't think so, in my experience what I've found to happen is I voice my complaints to the waiter (ess) or request the manager.  They usually fix the problem or they take it off the bill if they can't make it right. No attitude, because in most of these establishment the key, in my opinion, is they've been trained to retain the customer's business when something goes amiss, not discourage them from coming back, so they at least try to right the wrong.  It's called customer retention.

Unfortunately, what I've found in a few black owned establishments (and not just the restaurants either) is your met with attitude and you are expected to accept what you get.....take the good, the bad and the ugly.  And don't even think about taking it off your bill, you ordered it and you are going to pay for it, regardless of the situation.

So after an experience like that, will I come back....Hell-to-the-naw (yes I did say it like that), then I won't recommend it to my friends (and that's normally how we get together, eat, drink and be merry) and they won't tell it to their friends and so on and so on.

So do I support them, again I say Certainly without question when they deserve my support, time and money....not just because they are who they are.

Friends, drinks and good food.  This is a combination that works when your heart, spirit and your soul is in a place you don't recognize anymore or when your heart, spirit and soul are in tune with each other. It works both ways. Since I can remember it's always been a tradition for women to gather together when there is a birthday, a baby on the way, a promotion or when there is anger, frustration, heartache or pain, call it bonding or sisterhood if you will.  A group of us gather tonight to celebrate a friends birthday, by the way Happy Birthday again Tiff or as Tonya would say...T-Fannie.  We had a good time and it's wonderful that we can come together like that.  It's times like those that I treasure the most.

However, there are times when some of (speaking of women as a species in general) don't come together in positive ways and it's sad how negativity can be such a powerful force we use at the drop of a dime without thought of how it will affect our sistahs.

It's amazing how much we tear each other down and give no thought to using one another like it doesn't even matter.  When will some of us realize that tomorrow is not promised and what you do today will affect what happens tomorrow.  You have to wake up and live with what you've done or failed to do.

We need to lift up each other and stop trying to figure how we can use our fellow sistahs for what they have (cause let's face it some of our sistahs will suck the life out of you or drain you dry). Rather, we need to figure out how we can use our resources together to help one another accomplish great things or just accomplish something they set out to do.  Even if it's just to get out of the bed in the morning when they don't feel like facing reality, or just saying no to that second piece of cake or walking the first mile to loose that extra weight or study for that final exam to get the degree they been working toward for the last four years.

Stop victimizing each other, don't you think we have enough people doing that already.  It's time for us to form sistah circles again, sistahs we are powerful, we know it and it's time we let them know it again.  Together we can be unbreakeable.

Ummm....Why I'm begining to wonder if all the nut cases were born and bred to my family?

Did you know people really flirt with you at funerals?  I thought that only happen in the movies.

Why I feel poetically dead?  Why isn't poetry exciting to me right now?

Why all the poems I'm writing now cursing people out?

Why I think I'm depressed, but I'm not sure?  Why I'm searching for an online test right now, but can't find one?  Aint that a bitch?

Why I walk three times a week now, but don't feel like I'm loosing any weight? 

Why I feel like I'm becoming a recluse?  Why is it raining outside, but I'm not getting any enjoyment out of it when I use to love the rain?

Why my eight year old going to make me beat her behind because I told her to clean up her room and she hasn't done it yet....that was an hour ago?  Why she asking for that azz to be beat?

Why, why, why?